Saturday, November 12, 2005

Between a Radio and a Hard Place

There is no pornography in Darfur, but that's where the ULF transmissions beamed into my tailbone told me to go.

The closest substitute is Radio Obdurman, which features the bizarrely ribald agit-prop skits of the genocidal Janjaweed Militia as well as a broad variety of archival programming from Clear Channel Broadcasting. But sometimes you just have to rough it, and not just when you're roving across the world's most dangerous stretch of desert during a massive schizophrenic episode. Even some Best Westerns don't have Spectra-vision.

So as a service to fellow homofacist sadomasochists, I review the titillating potential of some of America's leading conservative radio commentators, now available worldwide via the magic of satellite:

Paul Harvey

We didn't come this far because we're made of sugar candy. Once upon a time, we elbowed our way onto and across this continent by giving smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. That was biological warfare. And we used every other weapon we could get our hands on to grab this land from whomever.

And we grew prosperous. And yes, we greased the skids with the sweat of slaves. So it goes with most great nation-states, which--feeling guilty about their savage pasts--eventually civilize themselves out of business and wind up invaded and ultimately dominated by the lean, hungry up-and-coming who are not made of sugar candy.

Rating: 5 Bulldogs

Seriously hot. I want to dip myself in his brill cream, and be "ultimately dominated."

Ann Coulter
Liberals keep telling us the media isn't liberal, but in order to retaliate for the decimation of major news organizations like the New York Times, CBS News and CNN, all they can do is produce the scalp of an obscure writer for an unknown conservative Web page.

Rating: 1 Bulldog

This bitch really turns me off.

Bill O'Reilly:

You know, if I'm the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and I say, "Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead."

And if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.

Rating: 3 Bulldogs

Huge subliminal phallus bonus: "podium", "comes", "blows", blow", "Coit Tower". The throbbing megalomania is a plus too. But if you look past the homicidal threats, you see a little boy threatening to take his toys and go home, and nobody ever wanted to fuck that kid.

G. Gordon Liddy

When he listened to Hitler on the radio, it "made me feel a strength inside I had never known before," he explains. "Hitler's sheer animal confidence and power of will [entranced me]. He sent an electric current through my body." He describes seeing the Nazis' doomed technological marvel the Hindenberg flying over New Jersey as an almost religious experience. "Ecstatic, I drank in its colossal power and felt myself grow. Fear evaporated and in its place came a sense of personal might and power."

Rating: 8 Bulldogs
We have a winner.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005



As a victim and perpetrator of unspeakable acts of torture, I can verify its remarkable efficacy. Yet the application of massive physical and psychological pain is severely underappreciated by the American public. Without the judicious (and often erotic) application of torture, our entire global civilization would fall apart in days.

Torture feels right...It feels right to hurt those who are afraid of you. If someone is keeping a secret from me, I burn their eyes with Drano and electrocute their penis. Back when G. Gordon Liddy was pimping me out to the Royal Family of Saudia Arabia, he always used to tell me, "Jeff, electrocute their penises."

And he was right.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Bear Rape

I want to take a minute to talk about Scooter Libby and bear rape.

This is a bear:

It is an hairy beast of several hundred pounds with sharp claws and three-inch teeth. It's hobbies include eating honey, riding tri-cycles, and searching for precious Gummi Berry Juice. They rarely, if ever, rape young Japanese girls.

Unless poked with a stick.

Most people don't know about the stick, and they remain blissfully in the dark about the widespread use of mind-control techniques implicit in bear rape, as well as duck rape, porcupine rape, dolphin rape, and Dyson Cyclone Vacuum Cleaner rape.

I don't know any other way to say this, so I'll just come out with it: In 1988 at Bohemian Grove, Cheney ordered me and Libby to wrap the Duke of Westchester in a plastic trash-bag, shoot a bear full of meth, and poke it with a stick until it raped him. Hunter Thompson photographed the whole affair:

I am not proud of this; I am merely telling you what happened. And also crying shame that Libby should profit from such an episode, which I am sure is indicitive of a man who has been party to all manner of bestial sexual episodes, and not just this isolated ritualistic attack upon a minor British noble.

And shame on you, anonymous buyers! Your disgusting voyeurism has driven up the price on Libby's puss and piss filled opus to $745! There are plenty of hard-working pornopgraphers who need that money. Or hell, just give the money to me, a bonafide victim of satanic ritual abuse. I'll warp your children for no extra charge. I'm talking nightmare stuff: semen and bone-saws, Thai schoolgirls and Kissenger on acid.

I mean, for Christ's sake, ain't exactly a cash cow...

Gosch: Reloaded

There aren't many wi-fi hotspots near Karkuk, but you knew I would find one eventually, didn't you? Johnny Gosch, brain-washed sex slave turned correspondent to the war of the surreal, is nothing if not persistent.

I woke up early yesterday morning in a complete daze to find myself in the front yard of this charming couple, who were casually enjoying the joi de vivre of post-liberation Iraq from the comfort of their Miami Lowback Arm-Chairs.

The man claimed to be a certain "Hassez Al-Hamein," an importer of Chinese kitchen appliances. But something rang false in the man's voice, and I couldn't quite place it...He spoke too quickly, and possibly in Sweedish. Either way, I didn't like the looks of his Birkenstocks, so I quickly manufactured an excuse about needing to find a dialysis center and high-tailed it out of there.

The only clues to the last five months are the contents of my urber-fashionable cargo pants, which consisted of:

225 Rubbles
A matchbook from the MGM Grand, with the numbers 1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34 written inside
A schematic blueprint of the U.S.S. Yorktown
An empty bottle of Wet-Light brand lubricant
A note in crayon: Jamhuuriya Militia 011-457-703-4467
A 1986 TOPPS Wade Boggs baseball card
A rather incriminating photo of myself and Harriet Miers
A popsicle stick
A human finger

There is much to unravel, but in the meantime, ponder the beauty of nature's harmonic 4-day timecube:

Awash in a sea of enigma, your pal,

Johnny Gosch

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Johnny Gosch Consumer Reviews


If you're anything like me, than you know how hard it is to comparison shop when you're on the run from federal agents, satanists, Illuminati aliens and various inter-dimensional entities. And with other consumer review sites, you never know if you're reading an honest review or if the mind-worms are trying to trick you.

So as a service to you, your pal, Johnny Gosch, will try out the products that may or may not save your life. This week, we will cover the competitive market in orgone generators.

#1 - Succor Punch

Sold at

Product Description from website:

"Succor Punch ("SP") is the name Don Croft coined for a quartz crystal that has a mobius coil wrapped around it so that a knot is created for each turn of the coil that goes around the crystal. When you pulse a 15 Hz signal into the mobius coil, it sets up a chaos field which interacts with the crystal to create scalar waves which can then be programmed with your thoughts. Forces are set in motion both on the third and fourth dimensional levels.

If you are being harassed by ELF microwave transmissions, it will create a perfect shield against any sort of energy that is beamed to you from any dimensional plane by any sentient being or thought form directing that negative energy towards you. You can ask that any remote viewer, human or otherwise, be blocked from remote influencing or from psychic scans.

According to Don Croft, negative aliens like the Draconian Reptilians cannot stand to be in the environment of the SP pulsing circuit and want to exit."


First off, the "chaos field" was grossly over-sold: It was more of a "casual disturbance tingle". Second, it claimed "forces are set in motion both on the third and fourth dimensional levels," but I really only felt motion on the third level.

The device worked fine for blocking the daily ELF mind control broadcasts, but those psychic dolphins at the Norfolk naval base are still remote viewing me like there's no tomorrow. And contrary to what Don Croft may say, "negative aliens like the Draconian Reptilians" not only CAN stand to be in the environment of the SP pulsing circuit, but seem to use it to masterbate.

Rating: 5/10

# 2 - The Chi Generator (featuring Orgonite) -

Sold at

From Product Description:


The Chi Generator® is exciting new technology that you can use to get an assured technological edge in your personal matters, business dealings, prosperity, sports performance, relationships, and sex! In situations, where you feel that you are just falling short of everything, the Chi Generator™ can give you the assistance that you need to have your dreams come true."


On the positive side, it made one of my dreams come true. On the negative side, it gave me cancer.

Rating: 3/10

# 3 - A Small Rock

Available at many finer rock stores and national parks


Incredibly effective! I beat the HELL out of a reptillian alien with this rock. And it was one of those sneaky aliens that disguises itself as an old lady waiting for a bus. And we all know how tough those bastards can be, with the screaming and the biting and the handbag and what not.

Rating: 8/10

Until next time,
Johnny Gosch

Friday, March 18, 2005

The Hitchiker's Guide to Johnny Gosch

So some of you have indicated that you want to know how my name ended up tied to both Jeff Gannon and to the Franklin Child Sex Scandal:

That's easy. First, around 1991-92, my mother, Noreen Gosch, and Ted Gunderson, report jointly that "undisclosed sources" revealed I was a victim of the infamous Franklin kidnapping scheme. Years later, after this dude Gary Caldori's plane crashes, the two claim he was carrying evidence proving such. But some Satanists now have it, one of whom is the former police chief of Omaha, Nebraska. And the only sheriff's deputy who can confirm this isn't talking, because a couple of Satanists purposefully crashed their car into his, killing his wife. I am not making this up...My mom and Gunderson made this up. He published it here.

Later, in an attempt to get the AG's office to provide funding for Gunderson to further his investigation, Gunderson submits a sworn statement from cokehead ritual abuse victim Paul Bonaci, who claims that he saw me killed at Bohemian Grove. But that's obviously BS, because now Gunderson is saying he has proof that I am alive and that my name is James Guckert/Jeff Gannon.

So is Gunderson the source of my reputed identity as Jeff Gannon? No. That guy's name is Sherman H. Skolnick. He first suggested I was Gannon here:

Now, Bellacio claims that a Democratic Underground forum post is the first time anyone connects Gannon and Gosch, and by the next day, Hunter S. Thompson is dead. This is not true. It was actually Skolnick who theorized this first, and his "investigative report" is one of the great works of post-structuralist humor of the 20th century.

As far as Hunter S. Thompson, the thread connecting him to the story is that Paul Bonaci said in a 1990 deposition that when he saw me murdered at Bohemian Grove, a videographer was there, a one "Hunter Thompson". But that story must be Alien Illuminati disinformation, since I am apparently Jeff Gannon, and alive and well in D.C.

UPDATE: Bryan, of Desert of the Real, provides more details:

"There's a couple of other connections your forgetting though. Gannon is connceted to Thompson with the bizarre "Fear and Loathing" quote on his website. And he is also connected to Franklin in name. It's weird that Guckert picked "Gannon" as the name for his "journalist" persona, with that also being the name of Johhny Gosch's boss at the newspaper, who Noreen claims is a satanist that was in on it.

Both of these connections are there only because James Guckert chose to place them there. Now it kinda feels like we're being led down a path, doesn't it?"

Oh yeah, one more thing...You know those copies of the 1994 cancelled Discovery Channel documentary that Gunderson is peddling for $29.99? I don't get one fucking penny for those. Not one. And not one penny from this or this. Do you have any idea how many of those he has sold these last two weeks? I do.

In short:

Gannon: Important
Gosch: Important, if incomplete and bizarre

The insane and seemingly debunked theory that Gannon=Gosch: Not terribly important, but captivating!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Julius(blog) has discovered the reason Jeff Gannon shaved his head. Using his research, I've made a quick composite of a man obsessed:

Or is head rubbing a hypnotic trigger for latent Greenbaum programming?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

DU Admins Censor the Truth!

Or at least censored something that halfway resembles a near plausibility, in much the same way that Gannon's head halfway resembles a basketball.

Admin Skinner cracks down:

"I'm sorry... But this has gone way too far.

Twenty threads... And where are we now? We've got the embarrassing spectacle of DU members linking to blatantly anti-semitic and homophobic websites. These threads have become huge magnets for trolls, eager to make us all look like fools. I never thought I'd see members of this site approving of articles that accuse Rep. Barney Frank of pedophilia. Some people seem to have lost all ability for critical thought.

Twenty threads is enough. I'm locking."

Actually Skinner, 14 threads on Jeff Gannon was way too far. 17 made me wish I had been "suicided". But Gannon Wrinkles, Part 20, was the dawning of a new age of man: a glorious epoch of signals without signifiers, of cabals without connectivity, and parallelism without purpose.

Greatest hits from Part 20:

- "I believe one of the gannon's we have photos of is gosch, I think the other is guckert. I also believe there is a third gannon."

- "young Gannon/Guckert at the orgy party in the gray marine logo t-shirt???"

- "perhaps Gosch worked for Guckert?"

- "this German site that is about Skull and Bones shows Bohemian Grove pics and Gosch and our fearless leader. I'm sure it can be translated somewhere."

- "I am willing to accept all information as it pertains to Gannon / Guckert / Gosch / HST / Bohemian Grove / Franklin Coverup / Bush admn etc."

- "No one here knows much about the other people here. As for those who are here with ill intention, I don't forget. I don't forget how many times the subject has been diverted, and I don't forget who you are..."

-"Anyone who suggests Gannon ain't Gosch is immediately suspect."

- "i am not averse to the notion of a whole slew of Gannons (collections of lookalikes), waiting in the wings to be used when needed."

For those who still think Gosch/Gannon is but a mere whisper in the blogosphere, check this out.

I heard somebody on TV talking about "private accounts"...What's that all about?